


in matters of the heart

by ohmygodwhy



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Ending, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Introspection, M/M, POV Second Person, it wasn't supposed to be this long i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 05:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4007794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmygodwhy/pseuds/ohmygodwhy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And you’re this tiny little thing, ten years old and overexcitable and suddenly there’s this guy, super tall and powerful, standing in front of you, and he shows you this whole new world full of everything you’ve been playing and dreaming about for years- and you didn’t even know that was an eye color but it is and he wears it so well and that’s when your life goes to hell."</p>
            </blockquote>





	in matters of the heart

**Author's Note:**

> it's inner narrative time

 

 

Set the stage to a snowy hill in Maine.

The snowy hill in Maine is where it begins, you think; or maybe it was way before that, back when you felt the life force of the kid next door flicker and die overnight, back when you heard the bomb-raid sirens blaring in the streets, back when you felt something in your chest and knew exactly when a battle was going on and when it was not.

But the snowy hill in Maine- that’s where it first starts to become a reality, that’s where it begins. And you’re this tiny little thing, ten years old and overexcitable and suddenly there’s this guy, super tall and powerful, standing in front of you, and he shows you this whole new world full of everything you’ve been playing and dreaming about for years- and you didn’t even know that was an _eye color_ but it _is_ and he wears it so _well_ and that’s when your life goes to hell.

Because all of the sudden, that pretty world gets a whole lot less pretty, the pretty hero who promised you pretty things with his pretty smile and pretty _pretty_ eyes colored that impossible color- doesn’t keep his promise. And then the world gets all scary again, but it’s worse than before because you’re alone- actually, really, legitimately all alone this time- and everything’s out to get you because apparently you’re some sort of abomination out-cast spawn of the devil (it’s Hades, you realize later, that ghost tells you- that ghost tells you a lot of things and most of them are probably lies but this one is true), and even then that’s not enough, it’s not enough for the world to be done throwing things at you because you have to be- to be-

To be ensnared by pretty smiles and pretty pretty eyes even though you should hate them- hate _him_ \- because he broke his promise and he broke your heart (which to be fair, he didn’t know was a part of this- but he’s kind of blind in an endearing way, and you’re not quite sure what the word endearing means but you know you feel it and it doesn’t feel good in this particular situation). But you can’t hate him and you never will, because Bianca knows and you know she knows and you can’t disappoint her more than you already have. You have to forgive and you don’t think you’ll ever be able to forget- you don’t think you’d want to anyways.

 

 

He didn’t keep his promise and you don’t either, later. To your defense, you didn’t really mean to- he just wants to talk, your father said- your father _promised_ \- he just wants to talk but you are foolish and you are naïve and he didn’t swear on the river Styx, and so your word means nothing to Percy Jackson anymore and you don’t know if it ever did.

You’re pretty sure your word means nothing to anyone anymore ( _a man is only as good as his word_ , you’ve heard time and time again, in books and from the adults’ mouths, from your teacher’s mouth back 70 or so years ago when you used to go to school, pouring out along with the smoke from his cigarette- and so you think if your word has anything to do with it than you’re not a very good person; but of course you already knew that). You know this because you’re a few years older now- still tiny, but not as tiny, and definitely not as excitable- and you’ve seen a lot of the world and how it works.

You are not a part of anything. Your place in time was decades ago and your place at camp is nonexistent. And that’s ok (but it isn’t and it never was), that’s ok because you’re kind of used to it now.

 

And then boom crash you’re in the middle of a war. It’s more than anything you’ve imagined in your head from the pictures on little cards creased from use. It’s real and scary and you have never felt more alive in your twelve (give or take a few 70) years than you do in this moment. 

And then boom crash the war is over and people are dead and people are sad and people are happy. And you’re sad and happy and- thank the gods- not dead.

 

 

But your word doesn’t really mean anything to anyone, and in a few weeks or so you’re back to being regarded from afar and shot nasty looks that rival the ones of monsters, who at least treat you with a grudging respect as an opponent. And you can’t help but be a little offended because you’ve sorts just helped save the world, bringing the lord of the dead himself- not something you see everyday or probably ever before- and you’re only given a few weeks of being a person in other people’s eyes. But hey, if a few weeks is all you get then you guess you probably didn’t do anything all that great. And hey, they don’t want you around and you don’t really wanna be around anyways- you don’t fit in here, anyone can see it from a mile away (mostly because that’s as close as anyone is willing to get to you). And at this point, you can’t really _disagree_ with all the insults.

 _Gloomy jerk?_ Yep.

 _Son of Hades?_ A given.

 _That one angry kid?_ Probably.

So you leave. And it’s cool, it’s fine, the pretty hero is happy with his pretty girlfriend you can’t be mad at, the pretty camp is safe and happy in its pretty little glory, the gods are safe in their immortal condescendence- everything is sickeningly happy, and for a little bit you let yourself be a little happy too. More than a little happy when a year or so later you find your sister smack in the middle of the Underworld; not the sister you were looking for because you didn’t even know you had more than one sister, and how it is you knew on sight that she was your sister you aren’t exactly sure- a son of Hades thing or something; maybe it’s a family thing. You’re just glad your have it because Hazel deserves a second chance. More than you do and more than anyone you know. And that’s a family thing too- Bianca deserved another chance too; she got hers in a different way.

And she trusts you more than anyone has in a while. It’s a hesitant trust, but you saved her. It’s the best thing you’ve done maybe ever before- she’s grateful for it and you’re grateful for her being there and wanting your presence sometimes. It complicates things a little bit more because wait, she’s _roman?_ Roman demigods are a _thing?_ There’s a completely separate camp for them with a completely separate lifestyle and this is the first time you’ve heard about it but that’s probably the point. You can’t tell anyone but that’s okay because you don’t have anyone to tell- and besides, your word doesn’t mean anything, so one more secret doesn’t make a difference.

 

 

You show up one day to deliver news of monsters or something- you can’t remember what it is, can’t remember anything when you turn around and suddenly you’re a big bundle of nervous and terrified demigod because holy shit. Percy Jackson is at Camp Jupiter. _Percy Jackson_ is at _Camp Jupiter._ Holy _shit?_

_Holy shit._

He doesn’t recognize you. Which you’re not sure how to feel about because at least when he was all suspicious of you it was _something._ But now it’s a blank confusion, a clean slate. And you’re not supposed to interfere with this; you know you’re not supposed to interfere with this. That doesn’t stop you from screaming inside your head because it’s been months- at least eight months since Percy Jackson went missing, and here he is standing before you, in all his pretty smiled, pretty eyed glory.

And then he’s gone, and Hazel is off with him, and you’re gone too, off with yourself to find something you’re foolish enough to believe you can find. You are foolish and you are naïve and you really should’ve learned this back when you made a half-assed promise with the death god.

 

 

Boom crash, you’re in Tartarus.

It’s a hell of a long fall- half the time you aren’t sure which way is up or down or how long you’ve been falling- and it’s a hell of a hard landing. It’s a hell of a long hard journey and you wonder what exactly it is you’ve done to deserve this.

You’re told though, quite a bit--- it’s because you’re you; it’s because you’ve dared to exist in this world of shiny heroes. It’s because of what you are: disgusting, dirty, disliked and dangerous and all sorts of unwanted. It’s because you are you and you are not allowed to be happy. It’s some rule of the universe, probably. Nico di Angelo is at the top of the misery list- and misery said it herself right? Misery loves company and you are the best company it’s had in a while, yeah? Yeah.

 

You're not allowed to be happy and you bring your bad luck and unhappiness to everyone you meet. You get out and subsequently send two of the happiest demigods back down. It should've been you and you know it. Everyone on the ship knows it. No one wants you there and you don't want to be there either. (You don't want to be in Tartarus either, but it would probably be for the best- you'd gladly take Percy and Annabeth’s place if you could).

And you think you kind of have the right to be all ‘jaded and broody’, as that Valdez guy calls it, with that candy coated voice dripping with too much guarded humor to be natural- you are not the only one who is guarded. You kind of have the right to be distant and subtly creepy. You can't really help it, after all. And if you have to put up with the whole 'scary angry son of hades' reputation you’ve been dubbed with, you might as well make the most of it.

You're not allowed to be happy. And the world seems to _love_ to rub that in your face. Jason Grace is the last person on earth you want to be a part of this forced confession- other than Percy thank the _gods_ it isn't _Percy_. The pretty, shiny, golden boy. The perfect hero, staring at you like he's had a revelation and Cupid is an asshole and at least it isn't Hazel standing beside you. At least it isn't that Valdez who would probably laugh or Annabeth that would probably state or Jason's girlfriend who would probably treat you like a circus act- though you don't know her, but you don't expect the best treatment either. At least it isn't Percy. But it's Jason frikin Grace. It's Jason _goddamn_ Grace and the things he says make you want to yell and cry and you really wish you were back down in Tartarus.

 

 

You're not allowed to be happy. And you leave eventually. Eventually is more like a day or two after everything is said and done and so many people are dead. You can sense death. This is a well-known fact. You can sense death, but there's no way to describe the feeling of the aftermath of war. It's gaping; it feels like a part of you has been ripped from your body. It leaves you feeling empty and drained and so many people are gone. You can feel all their regrets and all their unfinished sentences and it makes you feel like death. It's laughable, really. All this death makes you feel dead. You're still alive and it makes you feel incredibly selfish. 

And yeah, you leave eventually. And yeah, maybe that makes you a coward; maybe that makes you weak. But your word means nothing anymore- it hasn't in a long time- so one more lie doesn't really make a difference, right? And Jason will forget. He might be a little disappointed for a few days, but he'll get over it. Hazel will be back in New Rome and you can visit her every once in a while. Will is overbearing and there are too many people and gods, you've helped win two wars and you still get a few weary glances and yeah, you leave.

 

 

But Jason doesn't forget. It surprises you and kind of annoys you, but mostly just genuinely surprises you. A few iris messages from him- quickly blocked of course- don't surprise you; they stopped a few days in and you thought that was the end of that. So you manage to stay away for three months or so- you're not the best at keeping time. You manage to busy yourself with hunting and slaying various monsters at the request of your loving father (he actually seemed a little surprised when you showed up at his castle again, like he was expecting you to stay, like he thought you had a chance- you don't know whether to feel a bit proud at that, or incredibly sad that you couldn't make it work). Your tomb of a bedroom is used a little bit. Persephone treats you with a little respect- you find out the palace houses a piano when you hear her playing one day; she smiles at you when you peek in and offers you a seat next to her on the huge bench and you spend the afternoon learning the notes to an old old folk song and thinking about your mother putting her fingers over yours to teach you the melody of her favorite song on your old old piano when you were a child.

 

But Jason doesn't forget. You're scouting a monster in the mountains of Oregon- some sort of dragon thing, you think, that's definitely not supposed to be in this part of the country and is definitely messing with the locals- when he shows up. Literally out of the sky. Literally falling nearly on top of you. And you are rendered literally speechless.

"Why are _you_ here?" Is the first thing you manage to say, after a pretty intense staring contest.

"To bring you back." Is what he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"How did you _find_ me?"

"I asked your father. He said you'd probably be-"

"Wait, you went to the _Underworld_?" you cut in.

Jason nods uneasily, likes he's reliving bad memories of long tunnels and fields of ghosts- which he probably is, if he's telling the truth.

"How did- and my father just _told_ you where I was? He actually _talked_ to you? Without killing you on the spot?"

"Well, he sorta looked like he might, when he saw me. But then I told him why I was there-"

"To find me?"

"To find you. He actually... softened up a bit. He told me where you'd be. He said you probably need some time off."

You blink. The image of your father willingly selling you out to the son of his rival doesn't surprise you as much as it should.

" _Time off?_ He's the one who sent me here, to clean up his mess. And you-" you fix a glare on Jason, "you went to the Underworld. Without a guide? Did you think you could just waltz in there without getting hurt?"

"Well, I didn't get-"

"But you could have. You could've been stuck there forever. And for what? To find me?"

"Yeah, to find you. I've already told you like three times."

You feel your hands pull into fists under the sleeves of your jacket- Jason's nonchalance is staring to irritate you. "But _why_ though?"

"What'd you mean?"

"Why would you risk your life like that? Are you that set on playing the hero or something?"

"I'm not playing the hero," he says, and there's something like hurt in his voice and _gods._

“Then why are you here? Why can't you just leave me alone? Why the hell do you _care_ do much?"

Jason's eyebrows furrow and he looks a bit like an overgrown confused puppy- you think you probably _do_ need some time off if you've started comparing big powerful demigods to domestic pets.

"Because you're my friend," there's that 'isn't it obvious' tone again, "and you left without saying goodbye."

You huff. " _Goodbye_ Jason. Can I go now?"

He shoots you a look. "Come on. I just went to the underworld for you- full of dead people and you're dad is really scary."

"Your choice," you mumble.

"The least you owe me is a visit."

You open your mouth to respond.

"Hazel's been worried. You owe her one too."

And promptly shut it.

The sun is beginning to set and you feel the air starting to chill. You sigh, deeply and heavily, and it hangs in the air for what's probably about two minutes but feels like about two hours, before you find it in yourself to look him in the eye.

"Fine."

 

 

It turns out to be a lot longer visit than you expected. Hazel latches onto you for the better part of a day, keeping her eye on you like you might disappear again and practically force feeding you a ridiculous amount of cookies- she made them herself, she says proudly, and you have to admit they're pretty good. Reyna gives you a stern look herself, reprimanding you for leaving so suddenly, and surprising you with a tight hug. You feel something like shame and delight bubble up in your stomach. You didn't think you'd be this missed.

Frank and Hazel give you a tour of the camp, even though you've been there plenty of times before. They explain the exchange system between the camps, and how the two are building up a good relationship- a bit rocky, but good enough, stable.

You get an Iris message from Percy- you find, contently, that there's a considerable absence of butterflies in your stomach when you see his pretty smile and pretty eyes- who almost yells at you (you can tell he's not angry though, his smile gives it away) for leaving before the big celebration, tells you that you missed out, tells you they had a whole thank you speech planned out in your honor; you're not sure if he's making it up or not, but the warm feeling you get is real enough to make you almost regret your choice. Almost.

So yeah, you stay longer than you expected. Three days turns into a week, a week turns into two, Jason drags you to camp half blood as two weeks turn into three and you sort of give up for a while. It's because of Hazel, you reason. Because of your friends' (?) insistence that you're wanted there and welcome there. Because of Will's insistence that you should've waited longer to use your powers again, that you need rest. Because of Jason's persistence, his drive to become your friend. Because of Jason.

 

 

It hits the one-month mark when the news come in that holy shit- Leo Valdez is alive.

Leo Valdez is alive.

It's the 'Percy Jackson at camp Jupiter' thing all over again, except this time you felt someone die- you felt _Leo_ die, you knew something was off about it but you felt him _die._ And yet, he's alive.

You all find out through Iris message of all ways. Drops in out of nowhere during a dinner out in the fields, and he's riding above the city of _Paris_ with the _goddess Calypso_ on the back of that godforsaken dragon of his. Leo Valdez is alive and smiling that smug grin of his that makes you want to slap it off his face and you're pretty sure the others feel the same- they're _furious_. Hazel looks like she could legitimately murder or fatally wound someone. Piper looks like she could snap his tiny Latino neck. Jason looks torn between calling down some lightening and crying. They all look like they might cry- and a moment later they do.

Because goddamn, Leo Valdez is alive. You've only had a few conversations with him, yeah. But he's a good guy and it was practically your fault he died. But he's alive, and you sort of maybe might have teared up a little too (though you're still prepared to raise the dead on him for hurting Hazel like that).

 

 

There can't be good news without bad news though, and you bring bad luck to everyone you care about- a few weeks later, Jason and Piper have a little falling out. Piper's taking a trip to visit her dad in California on a movie set, and neither her nor Jason seem to want Jason to come. They decide to 'take a break'. And if you've learned anything from the bits of high school drama movies you've seen, that never really ends well.

"It was a mutual thing," he tells you later, sitting next to you on the floor of the Hades cabin. "She needed some time to work things out. Honestly, so do I."

"And what does 'working things out' mean, exactly?"

He shrugs. "I just... wasn't feeling it anymore. I don't think she was either. What we had," he pauses, running a hand through his hair and pushing up his glasses, "I don't know. It just... didn't seem real anymore, y'know?"

You nod, even though you do not know- you have never been in an actual relationship thank you very much.

"Hera?"

He nods. "Hera."

" _Jeez._ I swear, she's out to get all of us."

Jason laughs a half-assed laugh. You decide you don't really like the sound.

"I could shadow travel down to the nearest Walmart- take your pick of ice cream." You shoot him a wane smile, "That's what people usually do to cope with this stuff, right?"

He smiles back, tired and sorta sad, but it's good to see it again- the world doesn't feel right with an unhappy Jason Grace.

"Sure. Cookies and cream. I'll pay."

You shake your head. "You sir, are the tragic teenage heroine. I'm paying."

 

 

"She was just, so perfect, you know?"

Thirty minutes later finds you back where you started- sitting side by side on your cabin floor, but this time there is an obscene amount of ice cream joining you.

"And her eyes- gods- they were gorgeous. And you should've seen her in red."

Jason's finished off his first carton already and gods, your life has turned into a shitty high school romance.

"Should'a seen Percy in blue,"

He looks at you oddly. "Blue? He strikes me as a green sorta guy."

You shake your head. "Nah, definitely blue. It brought out his eyes. Did you even know that was an eye color before you saw them? I sure didn't."

You glare at Jason's amused look.

" _What?_ I was like ten, I was attuned to detail."

A minute or so passes in a comfortable silence and you realize you haven't had ice cream in a long time. Or talked this openly.

"You still 'attuned to detail'?"

"Hm?"

"About Percy, I mean." You snort through your spoonful, shaking your head so quickly you think you might get whiplash. Once you've successfully swallowed, you snort again to regain your dignity. 

"No, I've- I've moved on. Really, I have."

"What did it for you?"

You shrug. "I dunno. He just, didn't seem all that special anymore? He was just suddenly a normal guy- sure he's still ho- handsome and stuff, and I still like him, but I don't _like_ him."

Jason nods thoughtfully. "Yeah," he says slowly. "I know what you mean."

 

 

One month turns into two, and you're this relatively short (you'll deny it to your dying breath) little thing, fourteen (maybe fifteen now, who knows) years old and growing gradually more excitable. And suddenly there's this guy, your friend, way taller than you and blond and super nice sitting in front of you, pulling you gently by the arm, shaking you awake because you fell asleep on the roof of your cabin- and you haven't seen eyes that sharp or brilliantly blue before and you're not sure how you've never noticed before and he wears them _so well_ and that's when your life takes a tumble back into hell.

(You also think you maybe have a thing for eyes).

You take that as your cue to bring your overstayed visit to an end.

He finds you a few weeks later and brings you back.

You try to leave again, but he catches you half way down the hill with that overgrown confused puppy look. You are weak. You easily succumb.

You really should've learned from the first time.

But oh yeah, you aren't allowed to be happy, right? You'd almost forgotten.

 

 

"Can I kiss you?"

You nearly have a heart attack.

You're sitting side by side again, you and Jason, on the floor of the Hades cabin. It's become a sort of regular habit- a place to hang out, talk, and play the occasional board game. And now apparently, a place to give you a heart attack.

The conversation had started out normally enough, gradually drifting into rocky territory. Piper still hadn't come back- Jason was sure it was over. Besides, he had said- very very tentatively- he thought he might sort of have feelings for someone else.

The thought made you unreasonably sad.

But then: uncharted territory.

"What about you?"

"What?"

"Do you? Have feelings for anyone else?"

You shrugged, swallowing, and suddenly your throat was very dry.

"I dunno. Why?"

It was Jason's turn to shrug. "Just wondering."

A long, loud silence, teetering on the edge of discomfort. Then Jason sighed, coming to some sort of resolve.

"Promise me you won't freak out, okay?"

You look at him questioningly- his eyes are worried, though the rest of his body doesn’t give anything away; years of self discipline, probably- and nod.

"It's... it's you."

You blink. "… _What?"_

"When I said I had feelings for someone- it's you."

You realize with a detached sort of horror that your cheeks are burning. There's the familiar flittering in your stomach, accompanied this time by a vague sense of dread and anxiety and you can't really hear anything- Jason's gaze is so set upon you and it makes it hard to breathe and this is some sort of sick joke. This is what you get for opening up. You're not allowed to be happy and you _know that_ but this is unfair.

Jason's expectant expression begins to strain.

"Oh," is all you manage to rasp through your sudden crisis.

And then-

"Can I kiss you?"

-the heart attack.

And dear gods please don't let this be a joke- that or let this be a dream you can wake up from.

You nod- it's the only thing to do at this point. You quickly lick your lips as he leans forward- you're pretty sure they're chapped and did you brush your teeth this morning and-

And it's clumsy and you're inexperienced but Jason seems to know what he's doing, and if the smile he's wearing when he pulls back is anything to go by, you think you didn't do half bad- hopefully. You offer a shy smile in return- you're heart is beating inhumanly fast and yep, your life has turned into a shitty high school romance. 

He leans in again, and you meet him halfway this time. 

It's more than anything you've imagined from the few images or dreams you've had over the years. It's real and scary and _exciting_ and you have never felt more alive in your fourteen (give or take a few 70) years than you do in this moment.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i've found i really like 2nd person when it's done well, so i decided to try it out again. i also wanted to explore the possibility of nico keeping his promise to leave- before b.o.o came out, i had a bunch of different scenarios for it.
> 
> it wasn't really meant to be a shippy thing, but whenever i try to write any sort of character study thing with nico, jason always finds his way in somehow and i ????


End file.
